


Turks Gone Feral: Hidden Files of ShinRa

by ZeldaxFanatic



Series: A Blossoming Turk [2]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Funny, Humor, Multi, Slice of Life, dont be the turks, feral is allowed, impersonation isnt, the Turks are dangerous, tseng and legend should be frighten of strippers, very feral
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25056988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeldaxFanatic/pseuds/ZeldaxFanatic
Summary: You weren’t supposed to find these files. These were assumed long gone, taken with Veld when he was casted to exile. But you found them. And the new set too when Tseng became permanent director. Take a peek inside, you might never want to emerge.Warning: All the Turks have been modified to fit this crack story. The ‘player turk’ the one selected in Before Crisis is Nunchuk who will not be joining the Turks until later on. All the Turks are at below thirty for their numbers.
Relationships: Elena & Gun | Emma (Compilation of FFVII), Reno & Tseng (Compilation of FFVII), Reno/Rude (Compilation of FFVII), Rod/Emma (Compilation of FFVII), Tseng & Veld (Compilation of FFVII), Vincent Valentine/Veld
Series: A Blossoming Turk [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845826
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Things the Turks are Not Allowed to Do.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7339042) by [Wandering Katana (WitchWeather)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchWeather/pseuds/Wandering%20Katana). 



> Hey hey everyone! I decided to do something a little humor and slice of life. We got the Turks being well, feral. A large sum of these are based off of the inspired work. I laughed so hard at these rules I had to write how they existed. But some of these files will not be based off those and rather some of my ideas too. So it’s like a mix. Anyway I hope you guys get some good laughs, some of the ages are changed to fit the story vibe. Some will jump all around, some will be followed through by through. Let’s see how long I can do this without losing motivation and drive.
> 
> Anyway enjoy the show!

File 1: 

**In Case of Angry Cult, Call Shotgun**

Ah yes. A peaceful morning. With his behaved Turks for once. Veld smiled at his desk, seeing his young recruits consulting each other. Tseng talked with Cissnei, both chatting over what they saw last night as Reno tried to include himself. He looks over at Emma and Rod, the two ready to kill each other. Five Turks right there. Technically three as Cissnei and Tseng were being educated in the academy and Reno refused to go. “Too stingy yo!” he complained which made Tseng cackle. 

He sat back and sipped his coffee. He watched more Turks walk in and take their seats. It was a Saturday morning meeting, which gave him a reason to get Tseng and Reno out of bed instead of having them sleep in. Plus the two can learn about guns from Shotgun. 

“Good morning everyone.” He tapped the three youngsters shoulders, all of them scurrying to chairs. Tseng sat next to Emma, Reno to Rod and Cissnei next to a senior turk. “We got a lot to cover this fine morning. We have graduating cadets coming up in one week and that will increase our ranks! Isn’t everyone excited?”

“I dunno boss, Reno can baton whip better than them.” Rod commented. 

“Rod shut the hell up. You know I don’t like people speaking when I am.” Veld said, sipping away at his coffee. “Other than that, mission assignments are going out. Knife, Shotgun. You two are taking Reno and Tseng out into the fields today to begin prepping them for their entry exams. Train Tseng in marksmanship and Knife, train Reno in throwing. And no, no throwing Reno!” 

“Damn..” Knife grumbled, Shotgun looking at Tseng with malice. Tseng almost felt ready to cry. “Hey come on Shotty, don’t frighten the young scamp now.”

“I’m not scared!” The twelve year old argued. Reno snickered, the ten year old sitting comfortably. Veld cleared his throat, getting everyone’s attention. 

Veld looked at Reno and Tseng. “As I was saying, Legend and Rod you two are off to Costa to kidnap. And make sure this one is ALIVE this time. We don’t need a corpse back here again.”

Legend and Rod high-fived each other, cackling. Tseng beamed, Reno whispering to him. “You're excited for rookie season huh?” The kid asked. 

“Yup. I might have been here for a few months but I’m excited,” Tseng answered. “Three years of training.” 

“Lucky we got taken in at a good time then. Cissnei and I are in the youngster division while you are in the junior. I’m jealous.” The redhead whispered. 

Veld walked about, handing out the files for each mission. He stopped at the two whispering kids and smiled. “You two remind me of Vincent and I. Alright, everyone move out! And I’ll be seeing you two at the dinner table.”

Every Turk moves out, Shotgun and Knife standing over two of the youngest kids. “Well we got some new kids to teach. Gotta please daddy Veld.” Knife chuckled. 

Tseng and Reno nodded. Shotgun lifted Reno up. “Well we will be taking a helicopter and teaching you two instead of what Veld wants. It’s up to us and we can teach you two how to blend in.”

“Blend in?” Reno asked.

“Yup. Especially with two groups.” Knife snickered. The four made it to the helipad, noticing all the choppers were already taken out, Tseng looking anxious. “Get on board tiny!” 

“I am!” He sat and buckled in, Reno humming. “Reno did you get the latest volume of Chocobo Hero?”

“Ya know it! Can I borrow your volume nineteen?” 

“Sure!”

Knife and Shotgun rolled their eyes at the kids talking, sighing. They only had each other. Knife lifted off without warning, flying straight to the fields outside of Midgar. It was easier than taking a truck or motorcycle to get out of the city limits. And hitting the ID checkpoint. They weren’t in the mood to be pulled over, Tseng still not having his ID until he was officially registered. 

Reno and Tseng were still going, Reno having the preteen lay his head on his lap. “How much longer?” he squeaked. 

“Another few minutes. We’re going somewhere special today.” Shotgun snickered. Reno kept stroking Tseng’s head, him holding onto him tightly. 

He felt something in Tseng’s jacket, his eyes widening. “Oh dude, Veld is gonna flip out,” he whispered. He groaned as a response, cuddling Reno. 

“Aight you little shits we are here!” Knife cackled, the chopper setting down. When the door slid open, Tseng quickly unbuckled and ran out, all three Turks face cringing at the sounds. “He gotta get that air sickness under control.” she grumbled. 

Shotgun nodded in agreement, climbing out. She picked up Tseng and slung him over her shoulder, Reno running after them. “Wait up!”

“So kids we are gonna be impersonating,” Knife started. “Tseng, I want you to act like a demon priest.”

“That sounds dangerous and uh, demons are evil. I don’t want Leviathan mad.” he argued. 

“Then a member of the clergy dumbass.” Shotgun said. “Is that against your ways?”

He shook his head. Reno giggling. “I wanna impersonate a demon!” 

Both Turks smirked at each other. “Then get to it!”

~~~~

“ **So who wants to tell me why Tseng and Reno are fucking bloody** ?!” Veld screeched. Tseng has an ice pack to his forehead, Reno passed out against him. “ **Speak up** !”

Shotgun cleared her throat. “Well they wanted to impersonate some people.”

“Yea! Yea!” Knife nodded. 

Tseng shook his head. “No. You guys said it was a part of blending in. And then we heard angry people comin and well…” he looked at himself. 

Veld took a deep breath, shaking. “Guess what. You two, a month of paperwork. Tseng, Reno. Go get cleaned up for dinner. Now.” he ordered, Tseng carrying Reno and running out. The director rubbed his face, furious. “I hate my job some days.”


	2. Coffins are COFFINS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Dragoon coffins are coffins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Minor mention of intercourse and the fuck word being said do not read if it’s uncomfy for you 
> 
> Also, comment down below if you guys have suggestions for the Turks that can get banned!

File 2:

**Coffins are** **COFFINS VELD**

“So why are we here?” Tseng stepped out of the chopper with Veld and Legend, the Nibelheim sun hitting down at them. 

“We’re doing some work. I need to find someone here.” Veld said. “Legend stay back at the chopper. Tseng inspect the upper floors of the manor. I’ll take the basement.”

Tseng rolled his eyes and nodded, Legend snickering. “Have fun Tseng, I get to hang out here!” he cackled. 

The rookie Turk smirked. “Okay, Char-“ he yelped as his ear was grabbed, Veld dragging him inside as he cursed in Wutain.  _ “Ow! Fucker! Ow! Dipshit! Let me go it hurts! Ow!” _

The ringing of Legend’s laughter went through his ears as he held a flashlight in his mouth, balancing it with his teeth while going through file after file. Spitting it out, he cursed. “That stupid Hojo bastard… wondering if Verdot found anything.” Picking the metal rod back up, he flicked it off and went down the steps, heading to the steps to the basement. 

“Ah~!” He stopped on the first step from hearing that sound, raising a brow. He turned his ears off when Legend was on his computer or when he heard his parents as a child. Tseng quietly kept going down the steps, seeing a coffin lid thrown to the side, Veld’s clothes on it. 

_ “Oh. My. Leviathan.”  _ he breathed. He slammed his foot into a step, abandoning his loafer and ran back up the stairs and to the chopper. 

Legend looked up from a magazine, seeing Tseng’s face paler than usual. “You good buddy?”

“Verd is uh, getting busy.” Tseng answered. “Like uh, getting really  **really** busy.” 

He hummed, texting the other Turks. “Gotcha.”

“Are you… Charlie!” He screamed. “Don’t spread it! HR will catch wind and we will need another sexual harassment seminar! Please don’t force me to do that again!” He shuddered, sifting back in the cockpit. 

  
  


“Aaaand, send!” Legend hummed. “Relax Tseng there won’t be anything about it from HR.”

~*~

All the Turks were ordered the day after Veld and his two Turks came back from Nibelheim to meet in one of the conference rooms. 

Katana and Emma talked, Rod and Reno were asking what the meeting was about, Legend and Knife were murmuring between each other, and Tseng and Veld chatted about politics. Every other Turk was seated nice and silent, everyone seeing the director of HR enter. 

“It seems that a little message about Veld Dragoon and an assumed corpse had a bit of intercourse in a coffin.” The spokesperson said. “Mr. Dragoon?”

Veld took a breath and nodded. “It is true. I fucked a corpse on a mission.”

“Do you feel proud of yourself?” The person asked. 

He shrugged. “I guess so. Can we hurry this up? I got debriefings to get to after you jokers leave.”

“President ShinRa believes that there should be a coffin is a coffin and only a coffin, Director. If it is shaped like a coffin, it  _ is  _ a coffin. And there should be no place for intercourse within said coffin.” 

Rod raised a hand. “So uh what about like a non coffin?”

“Rod!” “Are you dumb or some shit?!” “Stop breathing oil in dipstick!” “Nice work brotha!” 

The spokesperson took a breath. “Then it is allowed. Please obey the guidelines now or we will have heavy issues going on. And a punishment as well issued by Verdot Dragoon.”

Veld watched them leave and groaned. “Well kiddos, we got some new stricter rules. Aight no one is fucking a corpse now.”

Everyone burst into laughter, Tseng covering his mouth with his fist. Legend smirked, Veld’s eyes right on him. “Well Charlie, you got paperwork. Congrats, kangaroo bitch.”


	3. Alarms are for EMERGENCIES ONLY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t pull alarms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an idea from a commenter. They had a couple more ideas so I’ll be using them too to make Files 3-5 about those.

**File 3:**

**Alarms are for** **EMERGENCIES ONLY**

Rod groaned as he tapped his pen loudly against the long conference table. Veld stared down at the ruffian, the spiky hair lad giving a grin. “Come on boss-“

“No getting out of meetings, Crisis.” Veld retorted. “We need to make a move in two days. Tseng, Emma, costumes ready?”

Emma nodded. “Yes chief, Tseng is still getting his but my dress is ready. Does Rude have the sniper?” She giggled at Tseng inching away in his seat nervously.

Rude gave a silent nod, Veld groaning. “Okay we have the sniper and the dress but no tux?! You two are posing as a married couple at a wedding for a gang leader! Gah!” He slammed his hands down on the table, Rod snickering. He only been in the Turks for a month, enjoying it. Reno threw his pen across the table, getting Balto in the glasses. 

“Whoopsies…” Reno grinned. 

“I’m sick of the childiness! Crisis Alves, Reno Sinclair, paperwork tomorrow!” Veld yelled. “If you two didn’t know, that specific gang has been causing the Turks hell. They took out Olivia and Carte in a heartbeat when they faked a drug operation. Anyone want to make any more comments!”

The room fell silent, Rod staring down at his seat. The meeting continued, Tseng getting up and speaking his piece of the mission idea, suggesting that three more Turks went along. Veld instantly assigned Balto, Juget, and Rolouf to tag along as guests. 

“Meeting adjourned for the rest of all. Tseng Dragoon, Emma Orendes, Balto Kinneto, Juget Crone, Rude Murfdrow and Rolouf Francois are staying here to continue plotting. Reno, Rod, get your asses on the paperwork!” He barked, the two troublemakers leaving. 

Reno grinned at Rod. “Ya know, I got a plan to escape meetings tomorrow yo! And paperwork.”

“What’s that?” Rod ask, grinning back. 

“Ya know the faulty alarm a floor above us?”

“Mhm Mhm?”

“Lemme yank that bitch and we can escape work!” Reno suggested. “Gotta pick a time though!”

“We have a full Turk meeting tomorrow afternoon. Legend and Knife are returning from Icicle Inn.” Rod answered. “And that’ll be boring too.”

The faux redhead grinned more. “Then I’ll see ya tomorrow around noon. I’ll be waitin’ near the ‘vator so gotta distract papa bear.”

~*~

“Hey Reno you are going?” Tseng spoke up, sitting on the weight bench. Reno turned to stare at the older Turk, sweat dripping down his face. 

“Ya, I spotted you and yo those are heavy!” Reno answered. “But hey you got muscle!”

Tseng rolled his honey brown eyes, getting up and wrapping the towel around his neck, wiping sweat off his cheeks. “Hm, alright then dumbass. I’ll be hitting the showers.” He blinked, noticing he was talking to no one now. “Verdot…. that extra stealth training with him is the worst idea ever.” 

Reno ran to the elevator, still in his sweats and shirtless. His sneakers squeaked as he saw Rod with a sandwich, eating. “Where were you?! The meeting begins in six minutes!”

“Sorry, Tseng needed a spotter. He wanted to get a few lifts in.” he panted, taking the sandwich from Rod and finished it in a few bites. “Now you know whatta do?”

“Keep Veld distracted. He went up to see Reeve for some reason.” Rod shrugged, watching Reno leave. “I’ll see ya soon!”

Reno rolled his eyes, heading to B2, the interrogation rooms. Sure the Turks had a couple but just in case they had multiple to interrogate at the same time. He walked off the elevator, watching the clock as he took a breath. He set his hand over the alarm, pulling it down. 

**_Beep! Beep! Beep!_ **

Every Turk was taken by storm by that. Emma dropped her salad, Legend woke up at his desk, cigarette burns all over his papers, Rude accidentally firing the dragon sniper as he was shining it, hitting a picture on Veld’s desk. Tseng slipped in the showers, Balto hearing and helping him back to his feet, Knife running in to ask the two if everything was alright while her eyes were shielded. 

Veld slammed his head on Reeve’s desk, panting. “What the fuck?” 

**_Beep! Beep! Beep!_ **

Every employee was out in the parking garage, Balto and Tseng in towels as Veld took rollcall. Reno and Rod snickered at his chin, seeing why he was busy with Reeve. 

“Seems we got everyone.” Velds started. “What did you think the alarm was?”

“Probably a Wutain invasion!” Rhosalind spoke up. All eyes went to the half naked Wutain teen, Tseng blinking and snarling at the female shotgun user. 

“Oh bite my ass!”

“That I can do sweet cheeks!” She winked at him. 

“Isn’t that consider like… sexual harassment?” Tseng went to raise his hands in the air, stopping to keep the towel up and on. 

Veld rubbed his aging face. “Look I know the Wutai War is in full blast. Tseng is a Turk, he won’t betray his family. Now, they’ll find the source of why the alarm went off.” He threw his coat over to Tseng, Balto catching it for him. “I know a large sum of you guys were stationed in the gym and office. Crisis, Reno, what about you two?”

“I was spotting Tseng.” Reno answered. “Then I went to get a quick food grab!”

“I was having lunch with Emma.” Rod answered. Emma’s brows furrowed. “I mean Charlie!” Legend made a face. “I mean Rolouf!” Rolouf raised a brow. 

Veld walked towards Rod, every Turk inching away except for Tseng, taking his respectful place next to the leader. “I was dining with Dakot-“

_ “Dakota is dead dumbass.”  _ Tseng hissed. “Come up with a better excuse. Or will you fess up?”

Rod was sweating, seeing infantry charge toward the unexpecting Tseng. “Tseng!”

“Shut up!” Tseng yelled. “Seriously, shut your mouth!”

**“There is the spy, get him!”**

“Spy?!” Tseng's voice cracked as the Turks watched helplessly see the half naked Wutain cuffed, being brought away screaming. Emma bit her lip, Veld seethed in anger. 

Later in the day after everyone returned inside the building, every Turk except Tseng huddled against the wall, Veld walking down. “We lost. A Turk. He’s in jail right now freezing his ass off!” he snapped. “Whatever one of you shitheads did congrats! President ShinRa sent me the footage of the alarm pulled on B2. We also have a meeting before him tomorrow to establish a new rule to our many!  **No pulling the alarm.** Because of that, he refuses to bail Tseng out. So guess who is?”

Reno swallowed hard but kept his cheeky grin. Veld grabbed him by the messy shirt and Rod by his. “These two will give up their Gil and paychecks to bail out a comrade. And be given all his paperwork and missions after he gets back from this one. Nice work dumbasses. And, toilet scrubbing too. Every Turk back to your stations!”

Rod felt guilty. He just saw a seventeen year old be towed away by the cops and because of their prank too. The spiky hair man looked down, Reno sighing and unable to comfort him. He just hoped Tseng would forgive him at the end of the day.


End file.
